Just as you did, Father.
When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:
"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
“I realized one of the children was watching.”
“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
“I could kill her if I did that.”
“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”
And the most frequent response of all:
"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”
The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”
These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”
A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.
I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”
The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable…."
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via seebster)
This speaks to me on a level that I can’t explain. I know this man …
I too, know this man.
There is no greater Guardians/Parks & Rec gif mashup than this.
The Dog Walker.
An enthusiastic Barney ready to take a slightly less enthusiastic Miss Dilly out for her walk :)
IMPORTANT FERGUSON UPDATE - WATCH THIS VIDEO BEFORE YOUTUBE TAKES IT DOWN
CNN REPORTER Fredricka Whitfield interviews the Store Owner’s Lawyer (from the store that was “”“”“”“robbed”“”“”“”“”“”” by “”“”“”“”“”mike brown”“”“”“”“”“)
As the lawyer begins to explain what really happened, cnn “”“”“loses the feed”“”“”“
My contribution to Adventure Time #30 Special Zine addition, written by the wonderful Ryan North. The issue is out soon??? Is out? There’s a bunch more previews up on Comics Alliance now!
If I could,
I would turn girls into dragons.
Girls whose skin
has been stained by filthy hands,
girls who are forced
to face those familiar hands
day after day,
give them armor.
Girls who are told
that womanhood means duty,
girls who break their backs
on someone else’s burden,
give them spiked spines.
Girls trapped in cycles:
cycles of abuse
cycles they can’t even name,
down the drain
and thrown out with the bathwater,
give them claws.
who chomp down on fear
hiding behind their teeth,
who swallow it whole
because it’s the only nourishment they’ll get,
give them razor fangs.
who thirst for knowledge
in the middle of a drought,
girls whose minds
are considered as real as their suffering,
give them fire
to burst from their mouths
in place of the words that no one hears.
whose bodies are not their own;
who are meant for decoration
and cannot decorate themselves,
who are meant for pleasure
and cannot pleasure themselves,
who are meant to be examples
and cannot exemplify themselves,
give them wings
to fly far, far away,
taste freedom in the sky,
and see it for what it should be:
a right, not a privilege.
who is considered a possession
or a prize
or a plaything,
confined by people
who call condescension “love”
and manipulation “compromise”
and fear “respect”
and silence “consent,”
give her eyes
that strike terror into the heart
of anyone who would call her weak.
Gift girls with dragonhood
when personhood is a myth.